Unfortunate Implications

An article of sorts, about the pitfalls of transitioning that people don't realise.

I'll try and list these in such a way that doesn't sound like I'm just whining about it. This is not a 'getting it off my chest' post, it's a 'here is a little perspective' post. It's an education post, that next time you see someone who might be trans, you can relate a little better to them. This isn't a post for family members or friends, it's a post for everyone else. For those that don't know a trans-person, for those that don't know how to react. I'm not going to outline a list of ways for people to interact with trans-people, or tell people how to behave. My aim here is just to say how things are for some or most trans-people.

There are a lot of hardships to undergo while transitioning, but it's our choice right? When we decide to transition, we accept that some things are going to get worse and other things are going to get better. Fair enough, but for some, the choice is between transitioning and suicide, gender dysphoria is that strong that it can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. To paraphrase something I was told once “I was unhappy, and I decided to do something about it, and if it didn't work out, I could always kill myself”. It isn't a choice at all, it's just who we are, and denying it is unhealthy for us.

It's not easy for people to notice the distinction between sex and gender either; after all, for most people, their sex and gender actually line up, so why do they need to be split up? English fails us a little bit here, because sex and gender are described using the same words. Someone who has a male gender, may not have a male body. There are lots of common thoughts that also show gender traits as the result of bodily sex, but this isn't the case, there are things that only happen because of the body being sexed in one direction, but this does not stop a person from having a differing gender. People's descriptions of others often lean towards describing people by their bodily sex, rather than their gender expression.

Similarly, gender and sexuality are not as wrapped up in each other as much either. Sexual preference can't be determined from the gender or sex of a person. Whether the person in front of you is presenting a male, female, or ambiguous gender doesn't actually tell you anything about their sexuality, even if their gender is different from their sex. On the same note of sexuality, while some people sexualise dressing up in clothes (often fetishistically) that do not belong to their gender, this is different from people who wear clothes to present as their gender. This is difficult to tell sometimes; context is a good indicator, but isn't always right.

Other people's reactions to a transgender person varies. When a person does notice and react there is massive potential to cause hurt, and when the more extreme examples have people reacting violently, this can quickly go from being a bruised ego, to ending up in the hospital. Not everyone reacts in prejudice though, thankfully.

There are some who notice, and make no fuss whatsoever. “It's just another person, living their life.” For some, this is the ideal. You wouldn't make a fuss over someone whose gender and sex matched up, and that's how some want to be treated. Like a person, without the fuss. In some interactions there is the awkward moment of whether or not to use 'he' or 'she' or 'sir' or 'miss', but can be corrected; in general, trans-people tend to prefer the pro-noun of the gender they are presenting as, the ones who don't will correct you.

There are those who want to encourage and support, although it can backfire depending on the person you're talking to, especially if the encouragement is “you're a brave man to dress up as a woman”, it's nice, but it misses the point. It accepts the persons desire to do as they please, but denies their gender identity. Some people do dress up for the fun of it, but if you're talking to someone who is out doing their weekly shopping, it's unlikely they're dressing up for fun. It's very hard to give encouragement to a person who is transgendered in regard to their transgenderism, for a lot of people, their preference is that you don't make a thing out of their gender at all, they are just a man or woman, they don't want to be treated specially because of it.

There are some who treat the transsexual as a side-show. They don't understand why anybody would ever want to dress up in a way that was not in line with their sex. They giggle and make comments between themselves. Then proceed with over the top “oh my god”s and possibly comments made out loud in order to play along in the spirit of humour. From their assumptions and point of view, the comment may well be quite amusing, but, from the perspective of the woman who is transsexual being told “gentlemen first” by other guys waiting in line for a bus has had her gender ignored and feels explicitly insulted. You might say to a transgender person in this situation to grow a thicker skin and/or roll with it, but it is often much more complicated than that, as shrugging it off or playing up to the joke is like denying who they are, and accepting that they will never be considered 100% their gender, which can feed a depressive attitude.

Prank-like acts against transgendered people are fairly common, from the drunk group daring a member to go and 'touch' a transgender person, to more outright damage to belongings such as having eggs thrown at them, or buckets of water thrown over them. Whether the acts come from a playful mockery or outright prejudice varies, but these prank-like acts are still very distressing to a person, when they are played out by someone who you do not even know, and has made a snap judgement against you based on your gender presentation,

There are people who are outright prejudiced against transgendered people. Whose shock and disgust will lead them to treat a transgendered person with little respect and no welcome. People like this involved in businesses will make it very unlikely a transgendered person would want to return again. In social situations, the transgendered person may take their socialising elsewhere. Unfortunately, sometimes transgendered people are asked to leave for disturbing other patrons, or are forcibly removed from premises by security personnel for no reason. For whatever reason these people hate transgender people, it is my hope they learn to see us as people, and not the cause of problems or something to be expelled from society. As examples, take the neighbours who go inside when their transitioning neighbour goes to sit out in their back garden, or the couple who at a close distance, immediately crossed the road instead of passing a transgendered person, who had given them lots of room to pass by.

The most damaging problem is the threat of violence. If not alcohol related, it is down to people whose conception of a transgendered person allows them to take matters into their own hands. An amusing story I was told was of an unknown person dressed female, who was sexed male (it is unknown if they were male or female gendered, but I will take her as woman) on a train, who was approached by a very drunk man, who proceeded to try chat her up. When it occurred to him that the woman was male sexed, he acted violently towards her. He was restrained and held back in another compartment in the train while the woman moved to a different carriage. He caused a complete fuss, damaging the train seating and making lots of noise. One of the comments was “He shouldn't be allowed out, what kind of example is he setting to children” Which was seen as highly amusing considering the man's behaviour.

It is worth pointing out, that these things are not so much isolated incidents as the norm. To quote something written in an online forum, “[Transitioning] is enough for me to have to start getting used to a daily barrage of insult and threat. … [who] see the need to put me right 'with extreme prejudice'”. There are many cases of violence being averted through outside intervention, but not everyone is so lucky. The abuse also carries on in online circles too, where a person who is transsexual shares that detail, with more misunderstandings and myths being perpetuated by people who wish to make online activity less pleasant for transgendered people.

A lot of the discriminatory behaviours described here are actually illegal, but legal recourse is very difficult to pursue. A lot of the time, the information given in statements to the police can't actually be used to make an arrest or issue a warning, and the frequency of the smaller incidents are just easier to let wash under the bridge than chase. In some areas it is actually better to let things go, because chasing it could lead to much worse being aimed at you. As some transgendered people prefer to live in their gender without having to identify themselves as transgendered, the action can also lead to them 'outing' themselves, leading to more distress.

There are much more subtle attitudes and problems too. The levels a transgendered person feels discriminated against can lead to them being overly worried about how people will treat them. The risks are still much higher than for a person whose gender and sex matches, however. Transitioning can lead to a lot of lifestyle changes to avoid and circumvent risks. To quote: “What I do know is that a simple walk through [town] in [the] early evening is now an activity that needs planning and is preferably done in company.”

On a much more personal level a lot of transgender people report problems with friends and family members. It is hugely common for families to disown or deny the gender of their child if it steps out of line with their bodily sex. If the person is young enough, or still living with their parents, it can cause more friction as they feel pushed out of their home, sometimes resulting in homelessness. Family pressures can cause more undue stress, especially in family events. Imagine receiving a birthday card with the wrong name in it, or being told you weren't welcome at a loved ones funeral. Very often a transgender person can be left with no support network, because friends and family just don't accept them for who they are. It can sometimes be a case of having to build a support network of friends from scratch, because of being transgendered.

Also on a personal level are intimate relationships. It can be very difficult for a person who is transgendered to find and a healthy intimate relationship. Those in relationships at the time of transitioning often find it to place a heavy strain on the relationship. Some people do stay together, but for the majority the size of their dating pool shrinks drastically. It can be very difficult to find someone who fits their sexuality, who also sits within the sexuality of the potential partner. This can be somewhat of a minefield. A woman who is transsexual may find that straight men and gay women are put off by their past, and the possibility of dating a gay man or straight woman is out because they are not a man. Finding a bi-sexual person to be with is one of the easier ways to meet someone, but this is also hard to do. One of the bigger hardships is avoiding people who have fetishised transgender people and treat them as a sex-object instead of as a person. It's just another thing that can bring low mood to a person who is transgendered.

The list carries on though; Employment can also be a huge thing for some people. Transitioning while at work can be a very harrowing experience if one doesn't have a supportive boss or supervisor, or even colleagues. One may have to face discrimination every day, and feel driven out of their job because of co-workers, or because suitable provision of facilities is not made for them. Transitioning at work could very well lead to becoming unemployed. An employer cannot legally fire someone for being transgendered, but it is possible to make someone so uncomfortable that they quit to get away from it. Once unemployed, things get worse, as finding appropriate work is hindered by the transgendered status and the lack of support for trans-people in finding work. Employers do discriminate based on gender presentation and can get away with it because they do not have to give actual details of why a job was refused. This is subjective, but discrimination in this manner does happen.

A woman walks into a public toilet, finds a stall, then goes to wash her hands and touch up her make-up in the mirror; she is then approached by other women or by a security guard and asked to leave. Another women uses the toilets at work, to be complained about to her manager. These women are both women who are transgendered, they legally have every right to use the women's bathrooms, but are discriminated against, forced to use the men's toilets (or not at all as that is really not an option,) and generally given grief about something so essential to everyday life. Using the other gendered toilets is a denial of their gender and they are not disabled, so using disabled bathroom provision is also unfair as they are not disabled, and a disabled person may need it more.

Portrayal of people who are transsexual in modern media is also unfair and inaccurate in most cases. While some would say that the exposure is useful, but in most cases portrays male to female transsexuals as heavily masculine and basically a mockery of femininity. Trans-people put a lot of effort into displaying themselves as their preferred gender and more often pass. Those that don't also try to find ways to pass better. No woman who wants to be taken seriously as a woman would portray themselves in an overly masculine fashion. The problem of lack of support for trans-people means that some trans-people do not actually learn appropriate dress for their age and/or situations, especially if they have also lost their support network. This is a huge problem in itself, in that the impression from media may override any accurate education about trans-people, the things they go through and their lives in general.

Modern media does propagate some myths and assumptions about the transgender person, and misinformation is rife about trans-people.

Sexuality is not decided by gender, and transsexual expression is not a sexuality. Trans-people have as diverse a sexuality spectrum as the rest of the population. Transsexuality is not for men who want to have socially acceptable relationships with other men, or are having trouble reconciling their homosexuality. Some become less sexually active because of their transition. Similarly, many people do not transition for sexual reasons, many take a dim view of being seen as the same as 'shemales' as depicted in pornography, whom I cannot comment on in depth. Sadly, the sex industry is sometimes the only option for a trans-person, and the young and gender dysphoric are especially vulnerable to being drafted into it, especially if they face familial estrangement.

There is also the view that people who are transsexual are trying to 'fool' people into believing that they are the gender they are expressing themselves as. This is particularly frustrating, as they are not trying to fool anybody, they just wish to be accepted as the gender they are expressing themselves as. They don't want to be put under increased scrutiny to discover their birth sex, they want acceptance that they are who they say they are. In some cultures the transgendered person is a recognised concept, and in history there are examples of people who were transsexual.

Many just wish to have a regular life just like everyone else, without the heavy discrimination and prejudice levied against people who are transgendered. We are not lesser people or broken, and we do not wish to be treated that way by society. Hopefully the media will stop treating trans-people as acceptable targets, and depict them more realistically in the future.

There is a high likelihood that a person who is transgendered will fall into depression, and that the transgendered and transsexual minority are especially at risk of suicide. Transsexuality itself is a medical condition, not a mental disorder. It is a condition that is treated, and not a disorder to be cured, it is very offensive to suggest to many that it is a disorder. There is currently campaigning to remove transsexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders similar to how homosexuality was once recorded in there as a mental disorder.

It's my hope that people will stop treating us as second class citizens, discriminating against us with prejudice, unjustly and unfairly, and I hope that you, reading this, will see that transsexual and transgender rights are something that still need fighting for and promoting.